LIFT YOUR EYES
Ever since my teen years, I knew for a fact that God created me to be a mom. In middle and high school, I was always the “mom” of my friend group. I had and still have this innate sense inside of me to care for other people. I guess that is my Enneagram 2 coming out. Even before I met my husband, I had a bucket list written out. It was prefaced with this: 1. Be a Mom. All other dreams are in no particular order of importance.
Flash forward to the middle of 2017. I have been married for several years and my husband and I decided we would start planning to have a family. I had dreamed everything up. I had baby names written in a note on my iPhone. I knew exactly how I was going to tell my husband that we were expecting. I bought this keychain that you see below as part of the plan to surprise him. My husband loves to fish, so I got him this keychain with a lure on it as well a stamped disc that had the year 2018 and a message that said, “Hooked on Daddy, Love ‘The Bump.’” I planned and prepared almost every single detail of this part of our lives. I had 2018 printed on the gift because surely, it would take a little time and we would hopefully be with child that following year.
We waited and we waited. Negative test after negative test. Tears, tears, and more tears. I was filled with so much hurt, confusion and anger. I would pray hard prayers asking God why I couldn’t do what my body was created to do. I wondered why the Lord would put this desire to be a mother on my heart and not have that dream come to fruition.
I look back at it now, over two years later. Still no biological children and that keychain tucked away in my closet, but I am able to see the hand of God at work in our family’s life. As we were struggling through trying to get pregnant, God was also unfolding this calling on our family to foster care. I, personally, fought this calling for a while before surrendering to His plan for us. Once we finally let go of our reservations and said a resounding “YES” to foster care, the Lord did not just open doors, He literally busted them wide open for us to walk through them.
Just to be clear, we did not choose foster care as a backup plan to having biological children. This was not our “Plan B”. This was simply us just trying to listen to the voice of God and follow where He was leading. Since then, I have had the privilege of loving on multiple tiny hearts. I have become a mom to these children, for however long they were or will be in our home. God fulfilled this dream that I have had in my heart for the longest time. I became a mom. It may not have been in the way that I had originally planned, but my goodness, His plan was so much better than I could have ever imagined.
It has taken me a long time to learn to let go of the things that I want for my life and to turn my eyes straight up to Him and say, “Your ways are higher. Your plans for me are good. I trust you with everything I have.”
I say all of that to say this, my sweet sister, lift your eyes up to the One where your help comes from. [Psalm 121:2] Let Him be with you in your waiting. Let Him surround you with His peace in the middle of your heartache. Let Him wipe those tears from your face. Because let me tell you something, He is not sitting idly with you in this fight. While He is holding your heart, He is also at work, preparing and setting up every detail of the story He has for you. For your life. For your family. You just have to trust Him.
My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
If I had to choose my original plan for myself or what the Lord had planned, I will choose His ways every single time. If my life had turned out the way I had hoped, oh, the things I would have missed out on. The joy I wouldn’t have received. The fellowship with God that I wouldn’t have experienced.
We all have different journeys, different trials, different callings. You may be waiting for that child, that job, that house, that relationship. You may be questioning where God is and if He knows the brokenness your heart feels. I don’t know where you are right now, friend, but I know that He is at work in your life this very second. You may not see it yet, but you will. Take that hole in your heart, that knot in your stomach, that lump in your throat and offer it up to Him to take it from you. Because He is working all of that out for good and for His glory. Lift your eyes to Him and trust that HE. HAS. GOT. THIS.